Lounge lizards

Just back from my two apartment viewings. I said I would take the first place, but just heard they rented it to someone else, quite upset about that. So right now I have nothing else lined up, other than the very dirty place which does have some advantages, but price isn't one of them.

Now, the second one... This was flatting with one other girl. On the face of it, it's a nice place, not my ideal neighbourhood, but nicely decorated etc. and cheap. So the woman shows me around - bedroom first, then kitchen and bathroom and then we went into the flatmate's room, where I tried to engage her in conversation and pretty much got nowhere. Then the landlady asked what I thought of the place.

Me: "Um, can I see the living room?" (Which we had already walked past)

Her: (Seriously acts as if it's the most absurd question she's heard in her life) "Oh no, the living room's not for you. The ad said a bedroom, it didn't say anything about a living room, it was very clear on that point."

Me: (Confused) "Oh. So... you live here too?"

Her: "No, we don't live here, we come and use the living room about once a month. The rest of the time it's kept locked" (!!!) "Oh no, we would charge much more if you got a living room too, that would be three rooms - a bedroom, kitchen, and living room - you could charge 700 euros for that!"

A bit later...

Her: "Even though the ad only says bedroom, kitchen and bathroom, you get to use the corridor" (Are you sure? You could probably charge a toll for walking through there you know.)

Firstly, that's what I have now, and I definitely don't pay 700 euros - maybe I would if it was for me alone, but it's called flatting lady. Secondly - WTF, is this the fricking Secret Garden of living rooms? You keep a room under lock and key in someone else's home, you come to use it when you fancy (WHY do you want to sit in a living room in someone else's home?) and the rest of the time you'd rather it sat empty than got used by the people actually living there? Are you insane? And do you not see that being "very clear" in the ad would actually involve saying "there IS a living room, but we keep it locked up and reserved for our personal use, and expect to be able to come round to your home for chillaxing purposes whenever, because we're nuts", not just not mentioning it at all!

More flat stuff

Just got back from an appointment with the agent to talk over what's going to happen with my current apartment etc. She didn't flat-out say that I couldn't find a flatmate and stay here, but she was so discouraging that she might as well have (I would have to find someone whose two parents would both agree to be guarantors for the entire rent, she wouldn't accept my parents as guarantors for me, whoever I found would have to agree to sign a lease only until the end of April when my contract is up and to move out early if I moved out etc.) So I just feel like it's not even worth trying. On a positive note, she said I could meet her again on the 11th of July and let her know whether I would be staying for the month of August - if I do, I only have to pay my share of the rent. However, the electricity and so on might be a problem. I gave her a rent cheque for June and July, which she's waiting till the 11th to either cash or give back to me, depending on whether it turns out that G's parents have paid the whole rent for those months or not (she's still waiting for their cheques to come through). So that at least gives me a little more time, albeit not much for making that decision. I have an apartment viewing tomorrow that I like the look of on paper, and that's available on the 1st of August, so it would be perfect - I leave for the Ukraine on the 2nd, so would have a bit of stress moving everything and packing etc. and then coming back to chaos and perhaps no electricity after my holiday, but at least I'm not at work.

Oh and just to prove this whole thing is the gift that keeps on giving, she asked about whether I would be willing to show prospective tenants around our place. I'm not too keen on people coming and gawking about my flat to begin with, but I'm even less keen on having that to deal with the appointments and keeping the flat super clean on top of trying to go to work and sort out finding my own flat. I said that I thought she should take that up with G, and she said she would call her first, and then me "but G often doesn't answer her phone". Geez, in that case maybe I should not answer my phone either, obviously being responsible hasn't done me a lot of favours thus far!

So wish me luck for this place tomorrow - it's only one room (plus kitchen, so they get away with calling it a one-bedroom instead of a studio) but it has a balcony and a garden, it's in the neighbourhood where I already live, not too dear and it has a properly-equipped kitchen and a bath! My current concerns are: might be too noisy, it's on the main road although I think from going past on the bus it must at least be set back from the road a bit, and I'm suspicious about places with baths that they will be that horrible arrangement I had in Nice where there's no support for the shower head and you have to hold it all the time. Also that it might be kind of depressing living in one room (even a 31 sq m room). However, trying to think positive! Was all cry-y at work today, that is in the 5 1/2 hours I was actually there...

Apartment angst

Got a call on Tuesday night (I still hadn't seen Géraldine since getting back from Strasbourg) from the agent, saying that G's family had agreed to pay back the money but not to be her guarantors, so we had till the end of July to move out. I asked about the possibility of staying on and finding a new flatmate, but she didn't sound too favourably disposed to that. I have a meeting with her tomorrow (right on the other side of town, real pain) so perhaps we can talk more about that. She mentioned the possibility of my staying till the end of August, but I don't really know under what conditions (i.e. if I would have to cover the whole rent, which I can't) and anyway all the electricity etc. is in G's name, so I can't really take that over for one month if I had to leave afterwards. She said that G's parents had agreed that she could move in with either one of them, either near Tours or in the Ile-de-France.

So in a way it was at least good that I didn't have to make a decision on what to do. But on the other hand, now I have to move. I really like this apartment for one, and moving is a giant hassle for another. I have started looking at flats, and, while maybe I'm being too fussy, they all kind of suck. Either too small or badly situated or seem too noisy or too hot or too expensive, and then as I said, there's the problem of furnishing them, especially as several I've seen don't even have so much as a fridge or a couple of burners to their name. The French really take 'unfurnished' seriously...

Above all, it's just stressful. I'm not sleeping very well, as you can tell from the 2.45 am posting, I'm teary and not concentrating at work. Yesterday I was only actually at work for about 5 1/12 hours between apartment viewings, and spent half of the morning answering my phone. In a way, I don't care, and no-one's likely to say anything, but it does pretty much take the piss. I don't feel psychologically ready to make a decision, partly because I don't yet have everything firm in my mind about whether I might be able to stay on here, and partly just the whole "I don't want to move" thing. I saw one place yesterday where they were very keen to have someone sign the contract for tomorrow (1st July), there was another guy viewing the place who was very eager, and I was just struggling not to cry because I felt so pressured by the situation and the guy questioning me about how quickly I could come up with a deposit and all about how much I made etc. etc. He even asked if he could call me early tomorrow morning - "would about 6 am be okay?" I actually blurted out "oh God no" in English and then clapped my hand over my mouth ha ha. I don't think he understood me though!

Am feeling increasingly bitter towards Géraldine. She has apologised, but has yet to ask me about what I'm going to do and how I'm coping. On Tuesday after I got the phone call, I was worried and texted to ask if she was okay - it was getting quite late and I was imagining her really upset somewhere. Then she comes in and is all "oh, I don't know what the problem with the guarantor is, I haven't been able to talk to my dad yet, that's probably why he said no". Firstly, why haven't you talked to him? It had been almost a week by then and the agent obviously had managed to speak to him. And secondly, either she's in denial about the situation or is just not taking it seriously. Not that I want her to be weeping and begging my forgiveness at every turn, but it doesn't seem fair that she seems to be all "oh like, whatever" about the situation when I'm so stressed out - and I don't have the luxury of having family I can go to. She hasn't offered me any help finding somewhere or finding someone to live here, or to give (or at least sell) me any of her furniture and stuff if she is going to move in with her parents. I feel like I've been very understanding and concerned about her and I'm just not getting any of that back, even though she's the one who's completely screwed up my life (and I know that sounds VERY dramatic - I don't mean my entire life forever and ever, I just mean my life as it is right now in this apartment, I just don't know how else to put that).

Anyway, I'm pretty upset so I'll leave it there. For what it's worth, Strasbourg was nice, I managed to relax and forget about all this temporarily, which was good. Even managed a few cultural things between stuffing myself with Alsatian food.

Shocked and awed

Long & dramatic post ahead! You may recall that I hated my last flat, specifically being rendered miserable by a flatmate I couldn't stand. So it was a great relief to quickly find a nice flat in Tours with someone around my age, in a good area, for a reasonable albeit not cheap cheap rent, and as time went on, we became friends and hang out together often. Well, well, this week brought a lesson that things are not always as they seem...

On Wednesday evening I went round to my friend Liz's place, feeling a tiny bit hungover after la Fete de la Musique the night before, to help her move flats, where we were joined by my flatmate & Liz's boyfriend. After a couple of hours, we had her moved in, and decided to go straight home as I was pretty tired & my flatmate Géraldine was intending to meet up with her sister to celebrate the end of her exams.

Liz's new place is only about 5-10 minutes away on foot, but G had her bike and thus made it back to our place faster than I did. I had my key in the front (street) door when suddenly it flew open, G ran out and slammed it behind her, and she rapidly said to me "I'm not Géraldine, you're not Gwan, we don't live here, we're here to feed the cats for our friends". No sooner were the words out of her mouth than the door opened again, and there stood a businessy-looking woman who I'd never seen before. She immediately started asking if I was G or someone else, who I now know was G's old flatmate. I said no, and then she started asking who I was and if I lived there. I sort of gaped at her and looked at G, standing next to her, who shook her head. I sort of half shook my head as well, but the woman responded something along the lines of "I think you do".

It's a bit blurry, but I think the next thing she said was that we were in serious trouble and if we didn't 'fess up and talk to her, she'd be calling the police. Bear in mind that at this stage, I still had no idea who this woman was and what she was doing in my house. She asked to see my ID, and I said I didn't have any on me, at which stage she realised I wasn't French. Somehow I think this helped convince her that I had no clue what was going on - the ignorant foreign type, I suppose. I think it's about now that she revealed that she was there because my flatmate had not been paying rent for more than a year. I presumably gaped even more at this news, and as we made our way upstairs, the threats of calling the police having convinced G to come clean, I said to her that I had no idea, and she replied that she was pretty sure where the blame lay in the situation.

Anyway, to cut the rest of a long story short(er), up we went and I had to show this woman ID, my chequebook, bank account, payslips etc. to back up that I had indeed been paying rent. It's complicated, but it turns out that G had not only not been paying rent, but that recently she'd been living off my money to boot. Eventually, the woman had me write an 'attestation' that she dictated, declaring that I had been paying rent in good faith, and G and I both signed it.

She threatened to pretty much kick us out, but G asked whether, if she could pay back the money, we could start at zero and stay in the flat. She agreed to set a deadline of the 11th July to receive all the back rent, around 8000 euros, took a lot of her details and set a meeting the next day, when they were to ring her parents together to check whether the money would be coming. I wasn't saying much through all this, but the woman wasn't holding back about how G had defrauded me & put me in a bad situation, plus of course the landlords (she was some sort of agent I suppose, I never did get her name or job title) etc. etc.

After she finally left, G apologised and explained that she had been unable to cope with her student loan debt and said she hadn't meant for any of it to happen, and she was sorry she had been lying me (this whole time, I may add). She said that she expected her rent guarantee deposit would be covering the rent, which neither I nor the woman believed. I believe that she probably started out thinking that she could let it slide for a couple of months, the deposit would kick in, and she would somehow be able to get back on track. Then as time went on, of course she just got further behind with everything, quit her job, and started taking my money as well (at first she wasn't cashing my cheques, as they were made out to the agency - long story). But she's a smart girl, and I don't believe she thought her guarantee would cover the rent for an entire year with nary a peep, she just closed her eyes to the situation and hoped it would go away.

At the moment, it looks like she is going to be lent the money from her family. But of course that doesn't make the situation go away. I'm really hurt that someone I consider(ed) to be a friend would treat me like that - even if I don't think she had a grand plan to defraud me, she lied to me this whole year, and actually escalated the whole affair by taking my money after I was no longer just a stranger to her. Then there's the issue of whether I can trust her from now on. Even if I think, intellectually, she's unlikely to do the same thing again, I imagine this probably would cause tension and awkwardness every month - would I be always wondering if the rent's been paid? Even beyond that, I don't know how, given the problems she already had, she can add on a debt to her parents and suddenly be magically able to cope and pay the rent in the future.

On the other hand, I'm in a bad situation because, not only do I like where I live, I can't afford to move. I didn't pay a deposit here, because I'm not on the lease, so I don't have money aside to pay for rent in advance and a deposit elsewhere, which would probably run to over 1000 euros. I also have a reasonable amount of furniture in my bedroom, but nothing else - washing machine, microwave, pots and pans, etc. etc. So I have too much for a furnished place and not enough for an unfurnished one. And of course furnishing a flat with all that kind of stuff would be thousands more, a particularly significant investment when I only have a one-year contract guaranteed. I've had a look at available flats, but haven't seen any where it's not either sharing with about 4-5 others and/or living with young students, neither of which I want to do. But if she moved out - which I think, regardless of my own situation, she probably really should, since she obviously can't afford this flat and there are definitely cheaper options - and I stayed here, I might end up having to cover all of the rent while finding a flatmate, which I can't afford to do either (plus I would still be left with the furniture problem). Tours is a student town, so summer is not the ideal time to try and fill a vacancy - I don't want to live with a student anyway, but that means the market is flooded with options and would likely make finding a flatmate at this time difficult.

So right now I don't know what to do. Obviously we have to have a proper conversation, but I was too shocked on Wednesday, yesterday I went round to Liz's until late at night because I didn't want to deal with it, and today I'm here shut up in my room, because I still don't know how to respond to this situation. I don't want to 'punish' her, despite what she did, and I do sympathise despite everything. At this stage, I do still wish that we could somehow work things out, but I just don't know if we can. I also feel really stupid, like I've been duped. Looking back I can think maybe there were some signs I should have paid attention to (I wondered how she was managing financially after she stopped working, but didn't like to ask; the whole deal with my cheques being 'sent back' by the agency etc.) but I suppose there's no point beating myself up about it. Perhaps it isn't such a good idea to trust a stranger, but I definitely didn't think she was lying to me a year in, you know?

On a happier note, I am going to Strasbourg from tomorrow morning till Monday evening, which is an even more welcome break after the stress of this week. I'm hoping I can just put these anxieties to one side and enjoy some flammekueche and try sauerkraut and see the famous cathedral clock and people-watch in Petite France and all the rest of it. (And I got return tickets for only 60 euros, thanks to a friend of a friend who works for SNCF - saving about 120 euros on what it would otherwise have been, at least at this short notice).

Work woes

Just had a little cry in the toilets at work, so hopefully won't repeat that shortly. Thing is, I have to have an annual review at work, starting with filling out a form saying everything I've done this year and my future objectives and followed by an interview with my boss. So okay, that's kind of stressful and unpleasant for everyone, but not usually crying material. But it's just upsetting me that everyone seems to be completely oblivious and insensitive to the fact that this is actually really hard for me to do, and that it's much harder for me than them. For example, I just asked a colleague what I should put for 'position in the structure' and he answered 'ha ha I don't know - ground floor?'.

Then I got to a bit that said you should answer this section using the information in your job description. I was looking through my emails to find the information the secretary had sent me about the assessment and I found out that there is no job description and she expects me to go to this (not very helpful) website and fill it out myself. To be fair, she did email me that information weeks ago and I've just put off dealing with it because it's stressful and I didn't have time, so that's my fault, but I just don't think it's fair to expect me to fill out my own job description. I don't have a single clue how to fill in the 'political, strategic, legal or reglatory framework' for my job, for example, and I don't see why I should have to. Surely it's their job to lay out all that information for me from the beginning?

Still, maybe it wouldn't upset me that much if it just didn't bring up wider issues that I feel like people don't take the time to explain things to me clearly and help me with this sort of thing. Don't get me wrong, I'm good at my job and I know what I'm doing, but I feel all the time like I'm doing my own thing and I end up disconnected from everyone else. Like there'll suddenly be a meeting that no-one told me about - it's possible that it was vaguely mentioned between themselves, but I need them to actually say "Gwan, there's a meeting about such and such on such and such a date" and they never do. Or technical things are never clearly explained - like they'll throw around acronyms to do with IT stuff I don't understand and never say what they're talking about. By the way, it's not just me who feels this way, the girl I eat lunch with also often says she doesn't get what x or y is, but obviously it's 10 times more difficult for me to pick up on stuff.

Then, and this is a bit different, there's the feeling that it's not fair that I have to do everything there is to do in English whereas they can pick and choose what they're good at or what interests them amongst themselves in French. But I mean that's just intrinsic to the job, there's nothing I can really do about it.

I don't really know whether to bring these things up in my assessment. On the one hand, I don't want to come across like I'm calling my colleagues out on something. I just think they genuinely don't get it, and I can understand that. I remember about 5-6 years ago working with a foreign library assistant who used to screw everything up all the time, and we all just used to sigh and call her useless instead of trying to explain and help her. It was really annoying because you'd go into the shelving room after her and everything would be misshelved (which, I dunno, isn't really a language issue anyway but...) and so you'd end up having to re-do all the "work" she'd done, which obviously puts you offside with her. Obviously no-one's having to re-do my work, but I don't want my colleagues to similarily feel like I'm this burden on them if they're having to take extra time to explain stuff. At the same time though, I do understand if they just speak directly to me and say things clearly instead of just making vague allusions to stuff across the desks to each other while we're working.

I know that it's my choice to take a job in a foreign country and language so in a way maybe it's not fair to expect special treatment. But at the same time, it's a post for a native English-speaker, so I do feel that if you're going to specifically look to hire someone foreign you should be sensitive to the fact that they may need extra assistance and support, including for things that are really obvious to you like labour laws or whatever. I just find it really hard as well to admit I don't know something and ask for help, which again is my fault. I think they could be meeting me halfway though. :(

Cute overload

I have photos from Cambridge and from my flatmate's bday party to post, but they'll have to wait because Rohmygodsocute!! My friend Liz *finally* got a kitten this week, after an exhaustive search of Tours' catfolk. Conveniently enough (for us) she's just flown off to Russia, so it means that we get to babysit for the week. Yay! He is very little (only 6 weeks old), has no name, and has to be quarantined from our other cats (which means he sleeps with Géraldine, not me, boo). Quite the little trooper for a tiny baby though! He has adapted very well to yet another new home. And did I mention he's swooo cwute? (I am contractually obliged to point out that I love our two cats here in France and my cat back home too and they are also the cutest ever.)

Proud mama with her baby

Aw, nap time with a little friend

More nap time - tough life

Awww! This photo shows both how little the kitten is, and how stupidly big my handbag is (and I recently downsized...)

Meercat!

L'Affaire DSK

If you haven't been following 'L'affaire DSK', it's the scandal involving the French politician and head of the IMF who has been arrested in New York on attempted rape charges. One thing you'll notice if you follow the story is all the commentary on how this reflects (or doesn't) French mores. I've seen plenty of chat to the effect "well, what do you expect from a French man?" This ranges from the mildly hysterical (people claiming that you basically can't move in France without being groped or worse) to the seemingly credible (people recounting their own experiences of being sexually harassed with no real recourse).

I don't think French men are more likely to assault you than any other nationality. However, the sexual culture is different here in some ways. While I personally haven't experienced anything, I think the bar for what constitutes 'sexual harassment' is probably set higher in France than in most Anglo-Saxon countries. I imagine you could get away with a suggestive remark, for example, more easily here. This is related to the broader context - men, including strangers, are more likely to compliment you here, or to come up and ask you out in, say, the supermarket. As far as I recall, I never had a guy come up to me and ask me out or say I was beautiful outside of a bar-type context in New Zealand.

In a way, I suppose this can be charming. Maybe even refreshing. But it definitely has its dark side. Sometimes I feel like I can't move without being dissected by the male gaze. It feels like public spaces here are controlled by men and women's rights to just exist in them without being bothered are taken away. It's gotten so that I instinctively stiffen a bit when I see a man walking towards me on the street or, worse, coming up to me when I'm sitting in the park or wherever.

Today, while walking home, I noticed a car pull up alongside me in the carpark on the other side of the footpath. I glanced towards the car, saw a guy with his window all the way down, and looked away. I think he tried to talk to me, but I implemented my general policy of totally ignoring the guy and kept walking. He responded by driving on a little bit and pulling into a space and again calling to me as I walked past. I don't know what he said. I always have my ipod on and I don't want to know what's being said to me, 'good' or bad. This time, knowing he was there, I didn't even turn my head but just kept on walking. By this stage, I was pretty sure he'd go past me again. Even worse - when I got to where the carpark crossed the footpath, there he was stopped at the zebra crossing. Again, I avoided looking at him and walked around behind his car while he continued to shout something at me. Just past the intersection, I stopped at the bus stop, having had pretty much enough of walking by this stage. So he goes past me a fourth time, still yelling something. At this stage I gave him the fingers. Juvenile, yes, but I was furious. Okay, it's not the worse thing that's ever happened to someone, but it made me livid that this guy thinks he has some god-given right to stalk me down the street, yell at me, block my path with his car and basically punish me for not talking to him. I assume at least by the third or fourth time whatever he was saying wasn't very complimentary either.

Sure, this isn't something that could or does only happen in France, but, while today was an extreme example, some guy is bound to say something or come up to me probably about once a week. Which just doesn't happen in NZ or the UK, at least not if you're not in front of a bar at 2 am. And it doesn't make me feel good. It makes me angry, and often actually makes me feel worse about myself since I think "oh great, the toothless 60 year-old thinks I'm in his league". It makes me angry as well that many men don't realise, or don't care, that this can be very frightening or intimidating for a woman, particularly if it's late at night or somewhere isolated. It's unfair that, not only do they not themselves feel like frightened potential victims at any given moment, but that they're not even conscious that that's the reality for women. Again, not all men are like this, but at the moment it definitely is making me more hostile towards the literal and metaphorical man on the street...