Things I have learned in France

- French DJs are not afraid to play the same song several times in the same club in the same night. After all, they are only following the lead of the endlessly-repeating music channels

- If the 'Cha Cha Slide' (stupid song that gives dance instructions such as "slide to the left, slide to the right, clap your hands" etc.) comes on in a club and 8 or so of you dance to it, the French will gather round in wonderment and you will earn a free club t-shirt from the DJ

- Said t-shirts make useful communal sweat-rags

- French chic = frumpy, particularly in clubs, where nana cardigans are de rigeur for the ladeez

- The pick-up lines French men use on foreigners:

1) A "bizou" is the French kiss kiss thing on the cheek. Bizou tradition varies from region to region of France, anywhere up to 4 bizous. Around these parts, they've settled for a sensible two. If, however, you're being introduced to a French guy and he snuffles out that "you ain't from around here boy" (Deliverance stylees), he will automatically try to convince you that the tradition here is for 6 bizous. Depending on the guy, he may try to land one of them on your mouth

2) " 'Ave you ever 'ad a Fraynshe keess?" If you are foolhardy enough to say "yes", the follow-up question will be "Ah, but from a real Fraynshe mens?"

- Flunch is the solution to all man's dietary requirements. For the paltry sum of 5 € 60, you get a cup of soft drink, a meat item of your choice, and access to the all-you-can eat salad/vegetable/pasta/frites/fantastic mashed potato buffet, sweet

- There's no French word for 'piggy-back' - this is why the Germans managed to overrun their country so easily, clearly

- 101 useful phrases for insulting someone based on the size of their genitalia

- Only a millionaire can afford to eat or drink anything in central Paris

- French music is cool

- Don't feel bad about calling the French 'frogs', they call the English 'les rosbifs' - the roast beefs

- There is some sort of French gene for men with curly hair

- How to pronounce all the menu offerings at MacDo (McDonalds) - from sheesebehrgehr to MeekFleuhree. And a SuperCombo is a MenuMaxiBestOf - WTF? Yes, this is a sad achievement, but it was fuelled by the promotional period when they were giving away really cool Coke glasses in the shape of Coke cans. Made, of course, in the world's favourite glass factory, Arc International

- And, of course, France is 90% fields!

Things I haven't learned:

- Many French people make this weird sound when saying words like 'merci'. At the end of the word, they make a noise halfway between an extra letter and a mere exhalation of breath - almost like they're saying 'mercis' but not quite. Apparently, according to my roomie Alice, she does it all the time in Amelie, so if you're ever watching it, listen out! Anyway, I really want to be able to make the noise, but for the life of me I cannae manage it